while having bipolar disorder does not define me, it is undoubtedly a huge part of me. it shapes me, morphs me, and bends me into things I am normally not. it buries me in depression, skyrockets me into mania, blinds me with psychosis, and shatters me in many ways. it invades my brain with hallucinations and voices. it drags my mood through the gutter or makes it soar through the happiest of places. it determines whether or not I can go outside that day. it makes me screw up at work and have to find new jobs. it renders my efforts at school useless every once in a while because I simply cannot focus and I need yet another semester break. it puts weird thoughts in my head that I often blurt out and then regret to no end. it takes control of my emotions every day and puts me on this roller coaster that I never asked for or agreed to, and I can't stop any of this. it's the reason I pop pills every day, whether they're for my mood, depression, anxiety, or psychosis, I am always taking pills or trying new/additional medications. it inspires my creativity when I stay up through the whole night writing or learning a new song, or typing new chapters to yet another story. it's the reason I hate myself so much sometimes, but love myself beyond belief at other times. it does not define me, but it has built me into the person I am today. it determines how each day will unfold and it puts every relationship I've ever had to a very unpleasant test that not everyone can pass. it's the reason I can be rather needy or insecure, but it is also the reason I can have an alarming amount of confidence and feel I don't need help from anyone, for anything. it changes day to day and always drags me with it--back and forth, up and down, through terrifying visions to amazing goals, and I never know what will come next. it's unpredictable and therefore, in a sense, so am i.
bipolar disorder does not define me, but it occasionally takes complete control. I never signed up for this. not once did I wake up and say "hey, you know what? I want a mental illness today." just the same as I never woke up and chose this race, this sexual orientation, this gender, or anything else that comprises who I am. none of them define me, persay, but they are all huge parts of me and I would not be the same without them. if I could change my race or sexual orientation I would never in a million years. I love those things about me. would I change my bipolar disorder? in a split second. please, take it away. it doesn't define me, no. but it affects every single part of my day. it ruins things and prevents me from others, it has taken away months and entire years of my life, it has drained my bank account, it has caused me to quit jobs that I loved, it has complicated friendships, and at this point it has made me too insecure to trust romantic relationships.
bipolar disorder does not define me, but it confines me in ways I wish it never would. you can't befriend me without befriending my bipolar disorder. you can't date me without dating my bipolar disorder, and you can't employ me without employing my bipolar disorder. the symptoms and episodes don't go away around certain people or under certain circumstances, so when someone accepts me they have to accept my bipolar disorder too, whether they know this yet or not. we're a package deal, my bipolar and i. it's not a love/hate relationship; it's strictly disdain, annoyance, dread and discomfort. but it's also a part of who I am. so when I say that it doesn't define me, I only mean that to a certain extent. I am not wholly bipolar disorder, but I'm also not wholly being myself if I don't admit that it plays a monumental role in my life.
no, bipolar does not define me. but in a way, it kind of does. I've never known a life without it and I suppose I never will, but that's okay. I've come to terms with it and I guess that's as much as I can really do. so does it upset me terribly if someone simply refers to me as "bipolar" instead of as "someone with bipolar disorder"? no, not really. but I understand why it would.