has anyone ever asked you if bipolar disorder is real? hopefully not. people have asked me, and it's pretty infuriating. as a matter of fact, people have tried to insist that it's all made up. or that it can be cured, or suppressed, or turned off when it's not convenient, or all kinds of stupid, ignorant, uninformed theories. I don't know where these people get them from, all I know is they're extremely harmful for many reasons. for one, people truly do have to live with bipolar disorder, and it's a very hard thing to admit to yourself. for the first two or three years after I was diagnosed, I'd open my eyes every morning and think "wow, I'm bipolar. I really have a mental illness. what's wrong with me?" and then I would take my meds, and I would eat breakfast thinking about how I actually have a mental illness and how it makes me weak. for years I thought that having a 'defective' brain makes me weak. because of this, my ears suddenly developed a radar for any mention of bipolar disorder. once that radar turns on there's no turning it off, at least not for me. I would hear people throw the word bipolar around as an insult. I'd hear complaints of the bipolar weather, or see facebook statuses about how someone is feeling bipolar because they couldn't decide what to eat for dinner. I once saw a shirt that said "I hate being bipolar" in one of my favorite stores. it's a really popular and well known store that I've loved for years, but I immediately lost some respect for the store when I saw that stupid shirt in it. my question is this: who in their right mind would wear a shirt advertising a mental illness that they actually have? i've taken it upon myself to make the assumption that probably no one would, so I'm assuming that shirt was created for non-bipolar people who think it's cool or edgy to act like they're bipolar. this kind of attitude toward the disorder erases the struggle those of us who have to live with it go through.
in any given week, I probably hear at least ten or fifteen ridiculous things questioning the mere existence of bipolar disorder--both online and in person--and it confuses me. have these people never read a psychology book? an article? do they even believe in psychology at all?? there is so much proof that this disorder exists. how could someone not believe it's real? or maybe it isn't that. maybe they've convinced themselves that it's over-diagnosed, so many of the people living with bipolar disorder actually are not..? I don't know. I can't really process the concept of not believing that mental illness exists when I've suffered from one my entire life. maybe I'm biased. actually, yes. I'm biased. but I have every reason to be. I live what other people speculate, question, and judge. I am questioned when I mention I'm having a hard time due to an episode. am I really depressed if I've still been going to work? the answer is yes, maybe i am. maybe i've been on the verge of tears for weeks and my eyes are constantly stinging from trying so hard not to blink and let one fall. maybe i've been laying awake every night wondering why the fuck i'm still alive. maybe my thoughts are now numb, and i'm not even offended by these judgmental accusations anymore. or maybe i'm a walking, talking, hollowed out version of the happy person i was not too long before. you don't know, so who are you to judge?
people with bipolar disorder could probably be professional actors. we are forced to pretend to be okay because society and stigma tells us that it's not acceptable to not be okay, to have something going on in your mind that makes it abnormal. we talk, we laugh, we smile, we go about our daily routines when often on the inside we don't even feel alive. we suppress our restless limbs and ignore the urge to run around our workplace, classroom, or anywhere else we need to stay composed even when we feel a manic or hypomanic episode creeping up. we usually don't announce our illness to everyone we know, so we end up keeping important details of ourselves from those we may see everyday. we are actors; we pretend to be like everyone around us when really, it seems like we're the furthest thing from it.
yes, this disorder is real. can you see it? probably not. have you ever experienced it? if you don't have it, then no, you have not. can you really and truly relate to being completely manic or hypomanic if you don't have bipolar disorder? no. no, you can't. but does any of this mean it's not real? no, it does not. it's real. we're real, and we really don't appreciate when people doubt our reality's authenticity. please don't make us question it even more than we already might.