if we're being completely honest here, i literally always feel alone now that i know my favorite voices aren't real. no matter how supportive my friends and family are, i still feel alone. when i'm depressed i do my best not to bother other people with it. even when i'm not depressed, i know it will come back sooner or later and i also know i'll feel painfully alone when it hits. the fact is, no one will be there every time i need someone. no one can always be with me, physically by my side when i get upset. and no matter how many times my best friend tells me to always contact her in an emotional emergency i know there's a pretty good chance i won't. i do a lot of the time, but if i did every single time i feel like i'm falling apart i would probably drive her mad. not to mention that would be selfish because she has her own life to live and can't always pause it to help mend mine.
no matter how many times i try to explain how things feel inside my head, no one without the disorder will every truly understand. i am alone. i feel like even the most understanding person without a mental illness will always have that inkling in the back of their head--even if it's their subconscious and the tiniest inkling possible--of annoyance at why i can't just push the depression away or calm down when i'm manic to be normal and stop ruining our plans or keep putting my emotional issues on them.
when i'm feeling suicidal and someone i confide in tells me to think about all the people who love me and remember that this will pass, all i can think about is the fact that i'm stuck with myself. it's not about the people who love me--i currently do not love myself. i hate myself during these times. at the time, i irrevocably despise myself. i completely cannot stand myself or the idea of being myself for the rest of my life. i sometimes have anxiety attacks at the mere thought of this and solely because i'm me; i cannot handle this, i can't breathe, my world is caving in, everything is crashing down and i can't stop crying uncontrollably until i run out of tears, which sometimes takes hours. i haven't had one that bad in a few years, but i remember a trace of the suffocation it entails. i can't put this on other people because in the moment i know i'm not worth it. even when certain people know i've been emotionally unstable lately it's kind of rare for them to consistently check on me. maybe i'm selfish for wishing they would? i don't know. either way, it always reminds me that i am alone.
when i'm depressed and putting on a facade that no one has noticed yet i usually feel more alone than ever. maybe they don't pay enough attention to realize i'm not doing well, or maybe i've just gotten that good at hiding it since i've been having to do so off and on since i was eight. who knows. one thing i know for sure is that i'm waayy better at hiding my depression than my mania. when i'm manic people tend to notice within a couple of days, even if they're not sure what's going on. people who don't know i have bipolar disorder still see a change in me and generally ask about it, but i always say i'm hyper and have been drinking too much coffee lately. it usually works. these successful lies remind me that i am still alone.
i tend to look to up celebrities who are open about having mental illness, especially those with bipolar disorder because i can relate so very much. demi lovato, pete wentz, carrie fisher, catherine zeta-jones, and britney spears are just a few. their candidness has not gone unnoticed. these people make me feel less alone because i feel like they understand. while i've never had a personal conversation with any of them, i think they would get parts of me better than the people i am closest to, simply because they know how it feels and what it's like and how much we can't control this thing.
my ideal would be having someone who i know will always be with me. someone who i can trust not to get frustrated by my episodes, who truly gets how they sometimes take control of me, who understands how to console me without unknowingly saying the wrong thing, and who will be able to stay right by my side. of course this is impossible. in order to have someone be there for me in this way at all times, they would basically have to be my conjoined twin. which isn't happening, and i wouldn't want it to. in this, i am alone.
in a sense, it would be magical to have such a person i could count on without interfering with their life as well. of course, that's impossible. everyone has their own life to live, and i have to learn to deal with mine on my own. i'm the only person inside my head which is often the loneliest thing i can even fathom. i want company inside my mind! not the voices i now try to ignore--real, true, healthy company.
i am alone. i will always see it this way. even if i somehow do get married by some miracle, i'm not going to trust the person to stay with me. not until one of us dies will i be convinced of it. as absolutely amazing as they are and as much as i trust and adore them, i'm not going to trust my friends to stay by my side forever. i have too many trust issues to hold onto the faith i once had. it's nothing personal. it's my own issues that i still haven't been able to work through. until i can, i will always feel alone.