sometimes I say random things that are no big deal to me, yet they're met with wide eyes, dropped jaws, uncomfortable silence, and all around alarm or concern. I get confused when this happens. I just mentioned the last time I felt suicidal, have you guys never felt that? or maybe I mentioned the anxiety attack I had earlier that day, and now everyone is worried and freaking out. maybe I was casually talking about the voices I sometimes hear in my head and what they said to me a little while ago, and that's why I was laughing. none of these things are really alarming to me anymore; they're my everyday and what I always have to deal with, so I forget that other people don't have to deal with them, too. suicidal thoughts linger in my head and force their way to the forefront during depression, or maybe they temporarily come out to socialize with my other thoughts after I said something stupid and embarrassing and I'm spiraling into a short-lived depression. I have anxiety attacks every once in a while, sometimes in the bathrooms at work, other times in my room once everyone else has gone to bed, and a couple times I've had them parked somewhere in my car. I always survive them, it's mostly not a big deal to me anymore. it only gets alarming when they become a daily occurrence, but that hasn't happened in a while. and yes, I have those extra voices in my head everyday. I've learned to live with them, and it makes me forget that other people don't live with them, too.
when I mention these things it's not a cry for help. it's not me screaming for attention or trying to be edgy and exciting, or quirky and interesting. it's just me mentioning, in passing, my everyday thoughts and experiences. to those who know me well these comments or stories usually aren't that surprising. I do have a habit of forgetting not everyone knows details about my mind when I'm in discussion sometimes. for example, I went out for brunch with my best friend, her boyfriend, and our other good friend yesterday and I mentioned something that I guess could be considered weird or alarming. for me, it was average. but the comment was met with awkward silence, strange looks, and an all around feeling of unease or not knowing what to say. which made me laugh. and I think that made it seem even more bizarre. I'm sorry? I don't know what to say sometimes. I forget that what's average to me is sometimes shocking or alarming to normal people. my bad. with my best friends this usually isn't a problem. actually, it hardly ever is. they're used to me; they've asked details about the inner workings of my mind, so when I say random things to do with my symptoms they aren't that taken aback. that being said, I'm obviously extremely comfortable around them, so when I'm with one or both of them and a group of other people, I forget that I shouldn't be this comfortable. I forget that not everyone hears voices, sees floating cats and shadows, takes mental medications, or has occasional overpowering suicidal thoughts that come and go as they please.
I have never lived a life without any of these things, so I genuinely forget they aren't normal. I'm also so open about these things with all of my close friends that when we're around less-close friends who don't know so much about me, I forget they don't know and tend to slip up. oops. now I seem crazy or like I want attention, but I promise I'm just talking about what's normal to me. certain things that used to terrify me have now simply become a part of me; I've accepted them because I can't change them, so I may as well try to make the best of it. I joke about the voices, I take my anxiety pills happily and let my friends or family know that I'm about to knock the fuck out and I'll wake up in too many hours, I casually mention the panic attacks and I try to make the suicidal thoughts seem less serious than they really are. I'm trying to cope with my average life, and it honestly makes me forget that most of these things seem weird or alarming to other people. these symptoms are all so integral to my life that I really do forget that not everyone goes through them or understands that I'm (probably) okay when I mention them.
I could try not to mention them anymore, but I feel like it would take away some of my humor. I have a very dark sense of humor and it can be self-depreciating at times, because if I can't joke about it then how will I keep conversation light-hearted when I talk about it? I've named a couple of the voices in my head for my own entertainment (for some reason I seem to be the only person who finds this one funny?) and I have a tattoo that says "don't stop if I fall" which has two meanings: one, it's a lyric from one of my favorite songs by my absolute favorite band, and two, it's a reminder to those who love me not to mourn or be upset if I ever go too far and kill myself, which is a huge fear of mine because there's this nagging in the back of my head that always reminds me it could happen if the depression gets too bad and I don't get help in time. only two people know the second meaning, but I felt the need to get it. I don't know why. I think I was in a mixed episode when I got it, maybe? there are some things I don't remember, such as my mood when I got that tattoo. I do love it though! it's a great meaning to myself, personally, but the two people who I've told the true meaning to don't seem to agree. it's kind of funny because another tattoo I have says "never let them take you alive" and it's meant as a reminder not to let my mental illness or other people's judgement of it bring me down or get the best of me. I got that one when I was very manic. I do remember that. they have conflicting meanings, but depending on my mood they always fit. one or the other always fits. and to me, that's funny. I try to find humor in the fact that I'm stuck with this illness. of course, it usually doesn't work. but sometimes I find it humorous, mostly because it sucks so much it's like a big "fuck my life" moment that's actually my whole life. that's probably not the best outlook, but it's one way to cope.
so yes, my average is someone else's alarming. the only other option is for me to never talk about it, and I'm not willing to do that. so I guess I'll continue getting those concerned looks, dropped jaws, and awkward silences followed by my seemingly-bizarre laughter the next time I forget and say something average about my life.