So as I'm assuming everyone in the world knows, we're in the midst of a global pandemic. And as those who are extremely close to me know, I recently hit two years without a major, or even moderate, episode. What I'm dreading to find out is whether or not this global pandemic and my personal mental milestone are able to coexist for much longer.
During the past couple years I've gone through some rough patches, but as far as I can tell I've handled them with a mostly level head. I quit a job I enjoyed (not due to the bipolar this time, yay!) and started another, was laid off from that job, struggled financially after losing unemployment, moved to a new place with major uncertainty, started a new job, FINALLY graduated from college, went on two super fun trips, and started a new relationship--all without experiencing an episode. To be perfectly honest, I have noticed a very slow decline in my mental stability over the past couple months; I've had some minor hallucinations when stressed, several unexpected emotional breakdowns, felt a bit of anxiety, etc. Still, no episodes. But it's slowly starting to feel like all of this progress is slipping away.
It wasn't until a few months ago that I started to actually trust the steady ground I've been on for a couple years now. It felt too good to be true... I've been floating atop a calm body of water when normally I would be drowning beneath it, reaching and praying for help as I tried to somehow fight my way out to simply survive. I'm starting to feel some turbulence, though. If we're sticking with this water metaphor, the past couple months it's felt like some waves are sneaking up on me. Gentle waves, but enough to catch my attention and dampen the sense of security. Now it feels like I'm barely staying up, trying to tread water--which I don't know how to do--while waves crash down around me. A storm starts up in the distance and it's making these waves less forgiving. I can only stay up here for so long before I lose it all and start drowning once again.
I've been doing everything I can think of to pinpoint what's affecting me and stop or avoid my triggers. I'm trying my best to get solid and consistent sleep. I'm eating healthier, avoiding emotional shows or movies, exercising, reaching out to my therapist for extra sessions, taking anxiety pills at the earliest sign of trouble, drinking alcohol about a fifth of the time I normally would, lighting candles, burning incense, taking me time, enjoying family time, doing my best at work, confiding in friends, crying when I need to and then giving myself a genuine pep talk once the raw emotions don't sting as much. I am bringing out all the reinforcements I've gotten to know over the years, but I'm starting to wonder if it'll be enough.
This pandemic is taking a toll on my mental health. I'm nearly a year into that new job that I really love, it's too soon to give in and tell my managers I have a mental disorder and may need special accommodations at times. I just started a new and amazing relationship with a man I want to be with for a long long time--I think and hope he might even be my endgame--I can't let myself get depressed or start showing symptoms before a solid foundation between us has even been laid. I'm terrified. Of this pandemic, of an extremely important friendship that's currently struggling, of my relationship falling apart when it's barely begun, of losing my job because I start spiraling down again, of showing psychotic symptoms around my little nieces. I'm fucking terrified. I've been doing so, so well. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know what else I can do. Honestly, I don't know what I've done to be okay for this long in the first place. The only thing I know is I had no plans on changing something that was somehow working wonders, but this pandemic is changing everything. There is no getting around this. I can only hope my mental state is stronger than I give it credit for.
#bipolar #bipolardisorder #mentalhealth #mentalillness #bipolartype1 #loveyourself #livingwithbipolardisorder