sometimes when I'm having a mixed episode, I itch. as strange as it sounds, I guarantee you it feels a billion times stranger. it's like a few gallons of caffeine are running through my veins and dancing around, in the process trying to make my muscles and organs and blood all dance with it. it's an awful, highly uncomfortable feeling and it makes it literally impossible for me to stay still. everything inside me feels like it's trying to crawl its way back out. it makes me want to grow long claws so I can slash my insides into a million pieces and they'll finally stop feeling so insatiable and weird. nothing makes sense. one second I'm sad, the next I'm pissed, but the entire time I'm ecstatic about everything to do with life. it's almost like I'm in a constant state of had: happy mad. all my emotions intertwine and I can be incredibly upset but somehow happy at the same time.
during this time I usually want to eat but I can't, because if I try to I feel too nauseous. when I'm manic I can't eat for the same reason, but when I'm strictly manic I don't even want to. when I'm in a mixed state I usually do want to eat and I usually try to, but it never works out. I'll make food, take a bite, spit it back out and stick the food in the fridge. or I'll make food, take a bite, force myself to swallow the one bite and give the rest to someone else. when I'm manic I refuse to even try because I feel like my body can self-sustain, but when I'm mixed I really want food. I get hungry, I have cravings. I just can't eat.
while all of this itching and unresolved hunger is going on, I'm usually annoyed. I'm very, very annoyed. I'm annoyed by people talking to me; I'm annoyed by people not talking to me; I'm annoyed when someone looks at me; I hate that random sound in the background; my skin and organs won't stop itching and I'm annoyed that no one else is feeling my discomfort; I'm annoyed that people keep giving me funny looks; I'm annoyed that no one else has as much energy as I do; I'm annoyed that things aren't moving as fast as my mind is; I'm annoyed by how conflicted all of my feelings are; I'm annoyed because I can't stop being so fucking annoyed; I'm annoyed when someone tells me not to talk so fast because why can't they just keep up with me?! I'm just annoyed. I'm so fucking annoyed, and I can't make it stop.
while the itching, hunger, and annoyance is going on, I'm also mad. I'm mad that I'm annoyed and hungry and so damn itchy on the inside. I'm mad that I can't find a large tree to rub my back against like a grizzly bear does when they have an itch. I'm angry that I can't just fucking stab myself somewhere to pierce these insides that won't stop trying to itch and claw their way through my skin. I'm mad that other people don't understand why I'm so freaking mad? but am I really even mad right now?
because at the same time that I'm so mad, I'm extremely happy. my mind is a clusterfuck and conglomeration of excitement and joy. I can't wait to go home and watch my favorite movie while I write an entire book, memorize some monologues, cook dinner that I'm not going to eat, and inspire a new emotional movement (what even is that? nobody knows) all at the same time because I have so many things to do and so little time so I must multitask, but it's fine because I have super human speed so everything will be alright.
I'm happy. I'm mad. I'm hungry. I'm nauseous. I'm irritated. I'm still happy. I'm excited. I'm itchy. I can't stay still. I'm kind of sad. I can't stop talking. I want everyone to understand my annoyance, but share my excitement about the world at the same time. I need everyone to get on my level so we can all be invincible together, but I also want them to go away and leave me the fuck alone because I'm mad, but at the same time I'm so happy I don't know what to do with myself?
what exactly does a mixed state entail? the best answer I can come up with is an avalanche of literally every emotion I could feel, magnified to an uncanny level, and all happening at the same time. certain ones will prevail over others for a few minutes at a time, then a different emotion will take a turn, then maybe a couple will coexist in the forefront. really, it's a free for all in my mind. I hate them. and the worst part is, I'm perfectly aware that everything is wrong while this is going on, but I can't do anything to stop it. when I'm manic it hits a certain point where I'm not entirely aware of being manic anymore. when I'm depressed it hits a certain point where I am indifferent about even living anymore. but when I'm in a mixed episode I know exactly what's going on. I can feel the anger, the annoyance, the irritation, the joy, the excitement, the hyperness, the hunger, the nausea, the happiness, the mild sadness, the itchy insides, and I am perfectly aware that everyone is watching me in various states of confusion because I'm clearly not okay. my behavior becomes erratic and bizarre, but not in an "oh she's hyper today" or "oh I think she's sad" kind of way; it's in a "what the fuck is happening to her" kind of way, and the honest answer is I really don't know.