for me, it's kind of hard to date because i almost exclusively date women but i'm extremely girly, so a lot of people assume i'm straight or don't believe me when i say i'm bi and lean heavily toward women. it's obnoxious as fuck, but it happens. that being said, i do online date and have met two of my exes this way.
here's the tricky part: i fill out my profile to reflect my level-self. i don't answer things according to when i'm depressed or manic, i answer them according to how i am when i'm in that rare in-between stage. i consider this the default me, but is it always me? not even in the slightest. but will i advertise that fact on my dating profile? NO. so i have to disclose it in person at a later date. i fear the person will feel like i tricked them by having a profile that portrays me as typically happy and essentially normal, but what other choice do i have?
i could just put it all out there, but who wants to do that? not i, said the [my name here]. so i wait until a couple or a few dates in. now i've only really had to do this a couple times so far. i wasn't diagnosed yet when i had my first girlfriend. i was first diagnosed while in a relationship with my second girlfriend, and she was absolutely supportive in every way! with my third girlfriend, we were close friends before we started dating, so she already knew. but it turns out she was using that knowledge to completely manipulate and control me for months before we even started dating, so there's that. and then i told my fourth girlfriend about 3 or 4 dates in (i think?) once we were exclusively dating each other, but long before we became official. she took it extremely well, but during our 1 year and 4 month relationship she responded to it horribly almost every time symptoms flared up and now i'm scared to get in another relationship because of it/her. at this point i am 99.9% sure i'm never going to trust another person romantically again.
another thing that makes dating difficult is the thought that i'm not sure if i can date another person with a mental illness. for some reason i always seem to, but i never know until further down the line. i think it's very important to give someone a heads up as soon as i'm comfortable enough to let them know i have bipolar disorder. however, i haven't been so lucky when it comes to other people letting me know. nearly every person i've dated has been depressed and i never find out until they admit it way into the relationship. my most recent girlfriend was severely depressed and also has ADHD. from my experience, i do not do well when dating someone else who suffers from mental illness. at this point i plan to avoid it in the future altogether. it sounds completely hypocritical and possibly heartless, but i am going with what i know i can and can't handle. for me personally, i can't handle it. my illness is debilitating at times and as i explained in my post "i am not like others," i need a different level of support than most people. while i do my very best to be there for friends and significant others in their times of need, i'm not always capable. i've grown to the point where i can completely pretend i'm okay if i need to be there for a friend. i can temporarily pull myself together enough to go outside, plaster on a cheerful demeanor and a smile, and cheer them up for a few hours before i go back home and crumple into a mess of exhaustion and emotions. i never tell them when this happens and so far it's been fine. i haven't always been able to do this, but my love for my friends has driven me to such determination that i've (usually) been able to for the past couple years. i'm extremely proud of myself for it!
when it comes to dating it's something completely different. one huge problem in my relationship with my most recent girlfriend was that she'd still want sex when i was depressed and completely incapable of it, then she would get depressed and convince herself i found her unattractive and start huge fights that i was so unable to deal with. i would have panic attacks during almost every fight, and then she would accuse me of making it about myself and try to keep arguing and say i'm being selfish and causing her depression. she would also get mad at me for not being able to go certain places due to my random bouts of anxiety. my very first girlfriend used to say i was bringing her mood down when i was depressed and avoid me for days at a time because of it. my second girlfriend and i broke up because we were both depressed and i felt it would be better to pull ourselves out of it while not being depressed together. it seems to me that in relationships, there are higher expectations for me to pretend i'm fine when i'm not in order to save the other person's mental state and ego. i'm simply not able to do it to the extent that these types of romantic relationships require. for that reason, i've decided to only date people without a chronic mental illness. i feel mean for it, but i think that's how it has to be at this point.
then comes the fear that whoever i'm dating will get tired of my mood swings episodes and break up with me. that fear is probably never going away. it finally did, but then a short while later the person broke up with me. now the fear is back full force and almost certainly never going to leave.
i also feel like i'm being deceptive if i don't stress the effects my bipolar disorder will have on our relationship clearly enough. at the same time, i fully realize that there is no way to convey exactly how much it will affect things until it actually happens and they can see for themselves, so no matter what i say to warn them i feel like it will never be enough.
then comes the guilt of always knowing i'll be a burden for possibly months at a time, and who knows how often. basically, i feel like i'm broken and selfish for expecting anyone to stick with me when i already know this. so dating is extremely stressful for me. i can't tell a new girlfriend all of this from the very beginning because that's basically shoving all the worst things in someone's face at once and then being like "so, ready to make it official?" i'm pretty sure the answer will be no.
dating with a mental illness is stressful. well, living with a mental illness is stressful on its own. but dragging someone else into it with me feels like the most selfish thing to do, and that's basically what dating is. hopefully one day i'll find someone who doesn't view it that way and can look past all my mental flaws. i suppose we'll see!