bipolar and school

as i mentioned in my first post, i was diagnosed during my second year of college. i still haven't finished college. every time i'm doing well in school the bipolar monster strikes again. i did well as a dance major, but mania came and propelled me into musical theatre. from there i got one semester of good grades, followed by a semester of straight F's because of the depression that hit. i did a summer of school online and fell in love with college, then started the first semester of my 3rd year and depression struck again. HARD. i couldn't go to class. i refused to go to class. so i stayed home and played guitar and wrote songs everyday, until eventually all my classes went on without me. once again, straight F's. i didn't care at all. i dropped out to work at an amusement park for the next year before i would eventually move back home with my mom to try and get in a better mental state. i took 3 or 4 years (i think? somewhere around there) away from school before i decided to go back, but this time to community college instead of a 4 year university. the thing is, i only went back to take dance and music classes. but then i stopped going during the last 2 weeks of the semester because mania struck again. i lost all focus or attention for school. i was too hyper, i couldn't sit still. people were talking too much; i had shit to do and places to be, my legs couldn't stop moving, my mind wouldn't stop racing, i had so many songs to write and so many stories to start and i just couldn't be bothered with these slow-paced people in these confining classrooms. so i stopped going. another year or so passed and i decided to try again. once again, community college. only this time i took academic classes instead of artistic ones. i had a fun time, my mood was pretty level for a while, i started getting straight A's. i kept getting straight A's for the next couple years, only i wasn't working toward a degree. i was taking interesting classes that sounded fun about topics i wanted to learn, but i didn't want a degree. fast forward to last year when i finally decided i actually WANT a degree. at this point i've been in school for what feels like fucking centuries. i chose a major, a double major actually, and started working toward it. i got two AA degrees, one in each major, and transferred back to another university a few months ago. i chose one of the two majors to get my BA in, and now i'm working toward it. but once again, the bipolar monster arrived. i started feeling sad a couple months ago and i got a C, the first non-A i've had since i went back to school. it crushed my spirit. i stopped trying. i got depressed, not because of this C--actually, maybe it was. who knows? who ever knows? depression hits when it wants to. it doesn't help that it's winter now and cold outside. that never helps. but nevertheless, depression struck. BAD. and now i'm taking a short (hopefully super short) break from school between classes, but i think i may have to extend it. i think i might need an even longer break to get myself back together. going to college with this thing is hard. i never know what my mood will be. sometimes i'd be too happy and hyper to focus for days or weeks at a time, and i'd ditch class because i couldn't be bothered with being stuck in one room for that long while life was passing by right outside. other times i couldn't stop crying and i didn't want to leave my house. now i'm getting my degree online, and the format is MUCH better for me. i don't have to go outside when i'm sad, and when i'm hyper i just set my work down and come back to it when i can focus again. but school is so difficult for me by default. i've gone through several medication changes within the past couple years, and each time i have to email my professors to let them know what's going on and ask if i can have homework/test time extensions because my brain is a little fuzzy and i can't comprehend things right while my brain is adjusting to a new medication. so far every professor i've had has been extremely understanding about this, and it always works out well. not the medicine, i mean the time extensions. the medicines are a different story that i'm still trying to figure out. but having to do schoolwork during episodes or medication changes is hard. having to do school in general is hard. i actually had to let a dream of mine go recently because of the difficulties i have with school and this disorder. for a couple years i wanted to become a prosecution lawyer for sex crimes and human trafficking, but i've come to realize that i don't think i could make it through law school. i'm struggling enough to get my BA as it is. law school is much more intense, much more stressful and time consuming, and much more demanding. realistically speaking, i don't think i could handle it. and that's not saying that anyone with bipolar disorder couldn't handle it, because that's not what i mean at all. i mean me, personally, i could not handle it. and that's something i've had to come to terms with. and right now i have no idea what i want to do with my life. i don't know where i'm going, or when i'll get there. and i'm freaking the fuck out. i'm not gonna pretend it's fine because it's not. school is stressing me out. i just wanna get it done. i had to drop my newest class this week because i'm not mentally able to handle it right now. and that is such a sucky thing to admit, but i have to be realistic about life when i can be. and right now i'm not quite level, but i'm in enough of my right mind to realize i'm currently not very okay and unfortunately, i need yet another break from school.

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