as much as I hate to admit it, I'm not like other people. my friendships and relationships require a different kind of nurturing than those of people who don't have a mental illness. I need more reassurance that my friends don't mind dealing with me, and certain things can't be said by a partner when they're upset with me. there are certain days when I have to completely steer clear of alcohol even when I'd like nothing more than to have a nice glass of wine. there are triggers that will send me spiraling into depression--whether it lasts a couple days or a few months is never up to me--that my partners know they should never say or do. for example, if I think someone is ignoring me I freak the fuck out. I can't handle it. and I know a lot of people probably feel the same, but once I get to thinking that someone I care about is ignoring me it sends me into a whirlwind of awful thoughts, both about myself and others, that I often can't come back from for long periods of time. when somebody tries to give me a reality check it almost always results in me having a full blown panic attack, complete with uncontrollable crying, hyperventilating, and wishing I could just end my own life. I can't handle certain things and I try to get other people who are close to me to understand this. I've had to break off certain friendships because people knew my triggers and didn't take them seriously. I had a best friend of about 13 or 14 years who I somewhat recently had to "best friend break up" with because she knew ignoring me and/or not telling me when she's upset with me is a trigger for very horrible things in my head to start taking over. she did it once after college, it severely upset me, and she promised she would never do it again. fast forward another year or two, and she does it again. I couldn't handle it. I had to tell her I could no longer trust her enough to call her my bestie. we hardly talk now, but of course I miss her and still love her to death. we catch up every once in a while and that's great, but she knowingly did one of my triggers and I can't forgive that. now, my current best friend (since we were 12) fully understands the seriousness of ignoring even one of my triggers. she goes above and beyond to avoid any of them and always tells me if we have a problem (which is super rare, but it happens sometimes), and I appreciate that more that words could ever say. I get paranoid and think she hates me sometimes but I always know she would tell me if she did, and I love that about our relationship. she and I even have a system going for when I go through my worst depressive episodes: she hates phone calls in general but if I call more than once she always makes sure to call me back asap, but if it's a mental emergency I can text her 911 and she'll drop everything to come find me. thankfully, it's never gotten to the 911 level, but if it did I'm confident she would keep her promise and be there no matter what.
this is the level of support and understanding that I need.
in romantic relationships, I need my partner to understand that there will be times when I'm no fun. I may be tearful for days at a time, I might stop talking so much, I may not laugh at things I'd normally find hilarious, I'll probably try and fail to smile back, I might take lots of anxiety pills and sleep more often than not, and my sense of joy and wonder will be completely gone. my new idea of intimacy might be you comforting me as I break down crying. during these times, i might not be able to be there for you in your times of need because I can't even handle my own. of course, I'll do my best to act normal. but sometimes I just can't. I need my partner to be patient when this time comes. I need them to understand that we may go weeks at a time without being intimate, that they will see me break down very often, that I might completely lose the will to live and I need someone who can handle that. I also need someone who can put up with me when I'm manic. I'll be talking way too much, I'll be awake doing random things while you're trying to sleep, I'll refuse to eat no matter how much you try to make me, I'm going to have very random goals that you know I'd normally never want but right now it's the most important thing in the world to me. you need to trust me enough to know that I'm not myself when I'm manic, but I'm still not going to cheat on you. I'm not my usual self, but my loyalty will stay.
what I'm asking for may seem obnoxious or unrealistic. putting your own needs aside at times to help with mine might seem unfair, and I agree; it is. but I simply can't help it. I need a high level of support, patience, trust, and understanding that's a lot to ask for. I hate to admit it, but my weaknesses sometimes outweigh my strengths, and I depend on others to help me survive. one of my friends recently came to the realization that she doesn't want to need to depend on others for her own happiness, so she's become more self sufficient when it comes to being secure and content with herself. this put a huge strain on our relationship. I'm not able to reach the same level of emotional self-sufficiency as she is and I'm still not sure if she understands why. I need help, and I need a lot of it. I need a therapist, I need a psychiatrist, I need multiple medications and I need friends who can reassure me when I'm completely lost and falling apart. I'm probably more work than people like or want to deal with, and that's why I'm so insecure when it comes to friendships. it's also why I've given up on romantic relationships. I've lost all hope in romance (for myself) and I don't even know if I can afford to have hope in friendships, because as much as I love, trust, and adore my best friends, I truly don't know how long they'll want to put up with all of my emotional issues. I know it can't be fun to have me calling and crying and breaking down on their couches every once in a while. it's probably tiring to watch me go on new ventures that make no sense to anyone but myself, and then see how much I regret wasting that time or spending that money once the mania has worn off. I'm sure it's kind of weird when they see or hear me talking to myself and/or responding to things they never actually said. it's probably frustrating when I have to cancel plans due to my anxiety. and I know, especially from what I recently went through with my newly self-sufficient friend, that it's probably miserable to have someone so dependent on your love and support that they start falling apart when they think you no longer have time for them. I'm exhausting, and I know it. I am not like other people. I'm a lot of work. and I realize this, but I truly cannot help it.