I've Been Fine For Too Long

And it's making me nervous as hell. I've officially forgotten what it feels like to have an episode, and this terrifies me. It is the first week of 2019 and I haven't been even remotely depressed since a year ago, and I haven't felt manic or even hypomanic since March of 2018. What is happening? I don't know. I have literally never felt stable for this long in my entire life. I genuinely do not recall ever being this fine for so long, and I'm not entirely sure how to function this way.

It's been almost a year since the bipolar has last turned my life upside down. How is this happening? I also have SAD (seasonal-affective disorder) and it's winter, meaning I should be sad right now. I should at least feel down, if not fully depressed. But nothing. I'm fine. I'm normal. Is this what it feels like to have a normal brain? Because I could get used to this, and that's what worries me the most.

I kind of feel like a storm is brewing. Silently, off in the distance and out of sight. And one day it's gonna roll in and fuck shit up, as it always does. The best way to describe it is this: there is a monster in my house--in my head--and it's hiding somewhere. This monster is normally obsessed with terrorizing me; it comes out of the shadows, creeps up while I'm asleep, interrupts conversations with others, distracts me from work, occasionally derails my hopes and dreams, sabotages my success, screams in my ear, berates me, uplifts me, makes me feel invincible, hypes me up until I do dangerous things, encourages me to drink when I shouldn't, tells me I don't need tools for success because I'm fine by myself, takes away my appetite, makes me eat too much, shows me things that aren't really there, insults the people I love, insults me, the person I should love the most, and tells me the best thing to do is to die. Then rinse and repeat, almost nonstop save for tiny periods of calm in between. But during that calm is still anxiety, still paranoia, still tiny voices in the back of my head.

This monster is my tormentor. My own personal savior. Then my tormentor again, and the storm is brewing. The monster has gone into hiding, but I know it's still in my home. It's still in my head. It's lurking somewhere and I know it's standing in the shadows, but I can't feel it anywhere. I can't see it, but it's there. This thing is impossible to get rid of.

So yes, I've been doing well for far too long. I don't trust it. I don't trust any of this, but I'm starting to forget. The monster is going to betray me soon. My main fear is that I've almost begun to trust it.