the first thing I often hear when I tell someone I'm bipolar is something along the lines of "but you're so normal! you're not like them. you're doing so well. you don't even have symptoms"
thank you. I know your intentions are good, but when this is repeated often it makes me feel more alone than ever. I do my very best to blend in with the "normal" people who don't have a mental illness. I hold a job, I go to school, I go on dates (rarely), I hang out with my friends and family, I post random crap on snapchat and selfies on instagram, I go out to bars and clubs, and I have a minor shopping problem. by all accounts I guess you could say I blend in. however, this doesn't mean I'm okay on the inside. at two of my jobs there were so many days when I would hold it together just long enough to disappear into a bathroom for a quick emotional breakdown before un-smudging my makeup, plastering on a smile, and strolling back to my post like nothing had ever happened. there are so many days when I wear makeup even though I don't feel like it because it helps hide the slight swell to my eyes from crying myself to sleep the night before. the times when I ask what you said and laugh it off like I was joking? yeah, those are the times I'm hearing things and don't want anyone else to know. sometimes when I talk to myself I'm actually holding conversations with the other people in my head, but I pass it off as a ditzy conversation about nothing with myself. the days I'm messing everything up aren't always because I'm hungover or stayed up too late; sometimes I'm going through a medication change and my brain is still adjusting and making it nearly impossible to function. I've been in college for years because I keep dropping out. not because I get bored and periodically pursue other things, but because my episodes make school too much to handle sometimes. I hardly date because I figure no one will stick around with me in the long run anyways, but I tell people it's because I'm mostly not a relationship person and I'd rather be a free bird. those days I have to cancel on my friends/family or call out of work because I feel sick? chances are it's not a physical sickness; sometimes I'm not mentally okay and I don't want other people to see or figure it out. when I indulge in that minor shopping problem of mine it's a sure sign of impending mania, but I don't make an announcement of it. I just take a mental note and let someone I trust know so they can help keep an eye on me if it progresses.
when someone says I'm not like them, what exactly do they mean? that I'm not wandering through the streets accusing strangers of following me and the government of tracing my every move? that I can string words together in proper sentences rather than speaking in fragments that only make sense to other mentally ill people? I don't know what they mean, but I'm pretty sure they have good intentions. I think there's this whole idea that mental illness has a particular look to it and if you don't fit that particular look, you must be doing fine. I hide my illness well because I feel like I have to. that doesn't mean I'm okay and it doesn't mean that I don't have symptoms. bipolar disorder affects every single thing in my life, and to tell me that I'm not struggling is to erase every single thing I'm forced to work through on a daily basis. I don't talk about everything I experience because I feel like it's not everyone's business. I completely open up to those I truly trust, partially open up to those I am comfortable with, and hide the illness from those who either don't need to know or who I feel will judge me for it. just because I've told you I have this doesn't mean I've told you what I struggle through everyday, so please do not assume that I'm doing okay when I may very well be falling apart as we speak.