my greatest fear

my greatest fear? well, the short answer would be a random, irrational phobia of cruise ships that i've had for as long as i can remember. but the real, honest answer? that i'll never find love and everyone will get sick of my symptoms and mood swings and run away forever. i've spoken to three therapists and multiple friends and partners about this, and every single person assures me that this will not happen. everyone says the problem isn't me, that it's other circumstances and maybe the other people have things going on in their lives that make them uncapable of loyalty or putting in the time and effort to maintain a friendship or relationship with me. but i see the common factor, and for the most part it revolves around my depressive episodes. for some reason, mania never seems to be a problem in relationships. my partners seem to enjoy my sudden infinite amount of energy, increase in productivity, enthusiasm about literally everything in the world, always positive thinking, how i'm always in the mood to cook because i have too much energy, etc. Concerns do seem to arise when i have too much energy to sleep while they're exhausted and trying to get me to stop talking or doing noisy things (like playing guitar and singing), when i get so engulfed in a new idea or project that i can't sleep and forget to eat for days at a time, when i'm constantly so excited that it becomes annoying, when i get irritated because other people aren't as excited as i am about [insert random thing here], when i lose a sense of reality because i've become impossibly optimistic, when i cook but refuse to eat because i can't stop moving long enough, or when i start spending crazy amounts of money on random things. for example, one day while i was manic i went to the store for guitar strings because i'd broken one on my electric guitar, but instead i came home with a brand new (third) guitar that i didn't need. don't get me wrong, that guitar is now my favorite and i absoulutely adore it. but i spent hundreds of dollars when i had only planned to spend about ten. the mania always starts off fun and exciting but it quickly becomes terrifying when i realize i'm spiraling out of control with no way to stop it. i usually don't even realize i've become manic until my mom or one of my best or close friends points it out. the mania is fun, yeah. until i snap out of it and realize all the damage i've done. but when it comes down to it, the mania may be worrisome for my partner at the time, but they never leave because of it. they always have fun along the way, even when i've become a bit of a handful and they have to keep an extra eye on me to make sure i don't do anything too extreme. the dealbreaker always seems to be the depression. the earliest i ever remember being depressed was when i was in 3rd grade, so about 8 years old. i stopped playing at recess and i stopped doing extra math work for fun. everything made me sad, whether it was music, tv shows, or seeing other people around me having fun when i couldn't. i didn't understand what was happening but looking back it was definitely my first bout of depression. the first time i ever became depressed while in a relationship was with my first girlfriend ever. we'd gotten together senior year of high school, then broke up over summer, then got back together during most of my first semester of college. the first time we broke up i completely lost myself. i was a wreck, but honestly i don't think it was worse than most teenagers who are going through their first breakup. once i actually moved away for college (shortly after we got back together) legit depression started setting in. that's when my girlfriend started calling me "emo." she would refuse to talk on the phone if i was in a sad mood. she would purposely avoid and ignore me when she knew i was upset. i remember one time she even got up and walked away from me, going to sit with other people because she wouldn't talk to me until i acted happy again. apparently i was bringing her mood down. needless to say, i eventually broke up with her. we got back in contact about a year ago and we're friends again now, but it took quit some time for those wounds to heal. fast forward to my next relationship. that girlfriend was amazing during my depression. we were actually together during the time i was diagnosed and she stuck with me through everything. we didn't work out for unrelated reasons, but we remain good friends to this day and she's a wonderful person. my third girlfriend will eventually get a post of her own (to do with people purposely using bipolar disorder to manipulate you), and my fourth girlfriend is really where i learned everything that broke my spirit. but before i get to her, i'd like to talk about one instance with the one and only boyfriend i ever actually dated. not for long, mind you, but i did genuinely like him. he was my most recent relationship and he didn't seem to have an understanding of what depression entails. first let me say that before i become official with anyone i date, i have the talk with them. the talk where i let them know that i have bipolar disorder, that it will affect our relationship in many ways, that i am medicated and always seeing doctors to cope the best that i can, but that if we're together they will have to deal with my episodes of depression, mania, and hypomania when i go through them. i descripe what these episodes might look like for me specifically (because it's important to know that they're different for each and every person with the disorder) and i give them the opportunity to opt out if they already know this is something they don't want to deal with. i'd rather get everything out there in the very beginning so it's fair to both of us. that being said, when i was telling him all of this i mentioned that when i'm severely depressed i won't be in the mood for sex, and that this might last for hours, days, months, a year, who knows. it comes and goes differently each time. he made the joke that if i didn't want sex he would just keep trying until i did. he laughed. i didn't. it worried me. i went silent and we changed the subject. but a few days later we came back to it because he had to know that it doesn't work that way. he told me he understood and it was just a joke, but i'm not so sure. i never found out because we only lasted four or five weeks, and luckily my mood was steady throughout the entire relationship. but back to the main relationship that broke my spirit: my fourth girlfriend, who i thought was the love of my life. i was supposed to marry her and i thought we were meant to be. in hindsight, if i had stayed with her it would have required me to severly lower my standards because she was manipulative, jealous, belittling, immature, and always tried to downplay my symptoms and the daily struggle i go through. she was also sweet, loving, protective, playful, loyal, and so much fun. but that doesn't make the other things okay. the night we became official i told her i had to confess something first (as i always do) and i disclosed the fact that i have bipolar type 1. she seemed fine with it; her ex-girlfriend was bipolar so she knew what to expect. i sighed with so much relief because this was a girl who at least knew some of what the struggle entails and knows some of what to expect. see, it's easy to say you'll remain patient and help your partner through it, but it's another thing to actually do so. this is what i learned. she tricked me into thinking she understood, but in the end i was only reminded of how much she can't understand because she doesn't have it. when i was manic she didn't seem to care too much. she was having fun with me, it was fine. but the second i became depressed out of nowhere everything changed. she started getting mad at me and picking fights. she would blame me for not wanting sex, even start yelling at me and lock herself in the bathroom for hours because she was so upset that i "no longer found her attractive." those were her words, not mine. i told her over and over how gorgeous she always is but the problem is me, not her. i reminded her over and over again that we had talked about this! it had nothing to do with her. my sex drive was 1000% gone. i had no interest in sex whatsoever. i didn't even want to live, why would i want something as intimate as sex during this time? i reminded her that we had talked about this and she had promised me, she swore that when this time came (because i knew it eventually would) she wouldn't take anything personally and she would do her best to remember that this wasn't me, this was the illness taking over and i would be back soon. maybe not soon enough for her liking, but as soon as i could. she didn't even try to remember. she wouldn't listen to me. night after night, day after day she picked fights and yelled and would pout and complain and blame me for not wanting to be with her. all i wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry, couldn't she see that? i would break down sobbing and she would just glare at me for "making this about me" and ignoring her feelings. i was doing my best but i wasn't myself; i was suicidal, i could barely even function enough to make it to work and back without having yet another breakdown, i wasn't seeing my friends, i wasn't eating, i had to take anxiety pills every night to stop the crying and put myself to sleep. i needed support and all she gave me was guilt. eventually the depression subsided and i went back to normal, but the damage was done. she constantly threw my temporary "neglect" of her needs in my face and i could no longer believe she would ever be there for me. she used to downplay my mood swings and get mad at me if my anxiety kept me from joining her in crowded restaurants that she wanted to go to. i tried. i tried so hard, but i can't control what i simply can't control. i do my very best not to let my symptoms affect others, but when it hits a certain point it is fully out of my hands. the monster has taken over, and i'm no longer there. maybe i'm a shell of myself, or maybe i'm a nervous wreck, maybe i'll have a panic attack if i step into a crowded room or maybe i just can't calm down enough to be seen by others. none of this is my fault, and yet she blamed me every single time she couldn't get her way because of my emotional faults. this has become a pattern in both friendships and relationships for me. never as bad as with her, but a trace of this has happened multiple times. some of my friendships faded or drifted apart because of unrelated things, such as distance or simply two people maturing and finding interests that no longer align. those are sad times, but people aren't always meant to stay together. other people who i once considered my very closest friends are now people i only talk to every once in a while because the trust was lost in some way or another, but the love is still there. other friendships died because of my disorder, and those are the ones i resent. my anxiety is not my fault. my depression is not my fault. my mania is not my fault. my brain is not my fault; i was assigned this disorder for who knows what reason, but i'm going to make the most of my life despite it. another person's decision to walk away from a friendship or relationship with me because my anxiety, depression, mania, and brain are too much to handle is what crushes me. it's heartbreaking, and i've watched it happen too many times. so far i've lost a few friends because of the disorder, but i still have so many friends that i love and trust, who i can depend on during the hard times and who i am always there for in return. romantic relationships? not so much. i know my disorder does not define me, but not everyone can handle it. and that is my greatest fear.

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