A good friend of mine, and it wasn't until last night when I broke down crying on my roommate's hoodie that I realized I'm kind of terrified. That bipolar talk I always get out of the way nice and early didn't go quite as planned. The subject came up and we talked about it, I told him a few things he needs to know and that if we move forward it will definitely, inevitably, 100% affect our relationship at times. I told him I manage it to my full ability--meds compliant, regular therapy, frequent psychiatry appointments, safety nets in place where my friends have my blessing to tell my mom if they're worried about me, bipolar workbooks where i keep track of my personal triggers, etc--and that I've been stable for nearly 2 years now.
Sidenote: I haven't written on here in a while, but this month makes 2 years that I've been relatively stable! I am still suspicious as hell and waiting for everything to cave in and implode, but I'm learning to ride the stable wave for as long as it goes and try to relax.
Anyway! I told him all of this plus a few other things. Honestly I don't remember everything I explained because it was around 2am after a double date at the club and neither of us were quite sober. But still, the topic came up and the conversation went. He nodded along, asked genuine questions, I asked if he's okay with this and he said he is. I told him everyone says they're okay with it until it happens, and then they're not okay with any of it. But he said it sounds like I manage it well and he's okay going forward knowing I have this mental illness. I mean, we've been friends for some years now so he knows me. He knows me as a person. He knows me drunk, sober, goofy, angry, joking, a little too high, being shy as hell on our first couple dates, he knows me and that I can be a normal person despite this awful disorder. So it's not like this talk turned me into some unknown monster. He already knew that I have bipolar disorder. We'd never talked about it in detail before, but he's heard me make jokes or mention it in passing plenty of times and he's a smart dude, I'm sure he was paying attention.
But still.. This is the first time I've been actually scared to fully open up to someone for fear he'll change his mind about me, and I honestly have no idea how to proceed. He's never seen me during an episode. I'm going to tell him everything he needs to know in detail of course--and while we're both sober--because that's only fair and he needs to know. He should know. But I don't know how to approach it this time. I can't sugarcoat it because that's not honest or fair, but I also wish so much there was a way to make it sound less daunting than it is. I have trust issues and I have commitment issues, and not to sound cliche, but I honestly also have daddy issues. I've never let myself care before if this talk would scare someone away. I mean I've always had the thought "this'll suck if they don't wanna keep dating after this confession" but it's always been followed up by "whatever, who cares. No one's gonna stay in the long run anyway." But this time I do care. It's not a whatever with him and I'm fucking scared.
I'm scared that I won't be enough. More-so that I'll be too much, more than he needs or deserves to handle. While I was crying on my roommate last night she listed all the people who have stayed in my life even when I was undiagnosed, unmedicated, or in my worst episodes. Her, my best friends, my family, other close friends, she said so many wonderful people who I'm always scared will run away. And the list of people who have run away is so much longer than those who haven't. Who needs them though, right? But I really miss some of them. I was scrolling through Etsy yesterday morning and I happened to search rings because I want a new ring for my right index finger, and it brought back the sudden memory of an ex and I searching for engagement rings about 4 years ago. She's the one who convinced me I'm enough, and then a year and 4 months later solidified that I am not and I never will be.
I don't know how to proceed. Normally with this talk I lay it ALL out at once without a care of how extreme it sounds. I talk about the psychosis, I talk about the voices, I talk about the reckless spending, the sleepless nights, the fact that people eventually force me to eat food, the times when I curl up and cry for days straight, the suicidal ideation, the violent visions, the lack of sex drive that can last months at a time or the hyper-sexuality that might wear a non-manic person down. So many fucking bad things. I lay it all out there, honestly I think in the hopes that they'll nope right out and I can keep on living a careless life with no chance of heartbreak.
These are all things I'm going to tell him but I don't know how to get it out without crying now that I realize how much it matters. I don't know how to bring it up again. "Hey yeah, so you know how we talked about my mental illness the other night? Well I didn't give enough details on how devastating it is, let's revisit that so I can tell you what a terror a relationship with me will be sometimes. Is now a good time?"
Like... honestly. I don't wanna do this. This is so new to me, actually caring how the conversation turns out. And wishing I could sugarcoat it someway somehow when I know sugarcoating it would be a straight up lie, because no honest way would come across as even remotely sugarcoated. I know I need to do this soon. Sometime before we become an official couple, but I do not know when or how to bring it up again. I'm at such a loss.
When my roomie was comforting me last night she told me I'm a catch, but all I can think is I'm a surface catch. Because once you look further down I'm defective. I'm not a catch at all. All I feel is broken and deceitful to even let someone think otherwise.