This is a post I wrote in March 2018 and just realized I never posted. The timeline is no longer accurate since it was written two years ago, but the post is still extremely true and I figured I may as well hit that publish button. Here goes:
last night i had trouble falling asleep because something made me sad for about thirty seconds. this was enough to send me into complete panic mode: am i getting depressed again? i just got out of a depressive episode last month! i can't do this again, especially so soon. that was the worst one i can remember and i don't even know how i survived it. i can't do this again. i can't. i really can't.
i lay awake for about an hour, completely petrified that i would fall asleep and wake back up in a cloud of darkness. i always eventually forget how it feels to be depressed until it comes back around again and i do it all over, but like i said, i just got out of a depressive episode last month. i still remember it clearly. the urge to die is so fresh in my head that thinking about it makes me feel like i'll spiral right back into that dark space. it seems like a lack of empathy happens between my episodes; i faintly remember how it feels to be manic, and i faintly remember how it feels to be depressed, but i don't truly remember how it feels until it happens again. and again. and again, and again. it's almost like stubbing your toe super hard on a sharp surface and in the moment, the pain is so excruciating that you think you'll never forget how it feels. but five minutes later the pain is gone and you somewhat remember that stubbing your toe hurts a lot, but you kinda forget how it felt because it's gone now.
imagine that, but with the stakes being your entire life. there are devastating consequences and the pain is actually multiple terrifying symptoms that could last for minutes, hours, days, weeks, or months at a time. the entire experience was extreme and excruciating, but now that it's over you realize the severity of the feeling can't fully be recalled. you know it was awful and that it will inevitably happen again, but until it does, the intensity of it is a faint memory.
that comparison 1000% oversimplifies what mania and depression even come close to, but it's the best example i can think of for an intense feeling that can't fully be recalled once it is gone. anyway, i still remember the intensity of my last depressive episode, and that's what sent me into full on panic mode last night; the idea that it may already be coming back.
as i've mentioned in other posts before, people with bipolar disorder are capable of feeling regular emotions. we get the appropriate level of happy, excited, mad, or sad pretty often. but sometimes, even if they're normal emotions, the paranoia and fear kicks in that we may be in the beginnings of an episode. of course, it doesn't help when friends or family see you getting excited about a new movie and ask if you're manic, or hear you complaining about a bad day and ask if you're depressed again. not every emotion is indicative of an episode, and it's annoying (and slightly offensive) when other people assume so. but it's okay when we, personally, wonder whether or not we're becoming manic or depressed, because sometimes we're really not sure.
the very first thing i do when i fear i'm becoming depressed or manic again is tell my best friend, we'll call her M so it's less confusing (she's the one i've been besties with since 7th grade who's getting her masters in social work), so at least someone can know what's going on. she's always the first to know and sometimes the only one to know until it gets so extreme that i can't hide it anymore and other people i'm close to start suspecting. my other best friend, we'll call her D (the one who i work with), sometimes notices early on too. so does one of my other close friends, but i don't hang out with her as often so she usually doesn't see me in the beginnings of an episode. she doesn't always notice the depression but when she sees see me during a manic episode she knows right away, like within the first five minutes of seeing me.
here's an update: it's taken me a few days to write this post in its entirety, and last night i lay awake again because i was scared i'm becoming manic. i suddenly realized a pattern as of the last couple days. i've been spending more money and not able to fall asleep before about 3:00am. i've had to take anxiety pills to go to sleep for the past few nights. the first time because i was stressed thinking the depression was coming back, and the two nights after because i just couldn't sleep. and last night because i was thinking "oh shit, what if i'm becoming manic? i have to get my sleep schedule normal" so i took a pill about 2:00am. but before i took the pill i went on an impromptu online shopping spree and spent about $200 on makeup and accessories for a cosplay i'm doing next month. is this unusual for me? not at all, because i take my cosplay very seriously. but normally i would've added these things to my cart and slept on it to make sure i still wanted to spend that much money at once in the morning. this time i piled it all in and clicked "get it now!" before i could give it a second thought. this is often a warning sign.
so here i am again, questioning behavior that could be normal, could be manic, or could be signs of an impending mixed episode. needless to say i'm getting pretty fucking nervous right now.
#bipolar #bipolardisorder #mentalhealth #mentalillness #bipolarmania #bipolardepression #bipolarepisode #bipolartype1 #psychosis #loveyourself #livingwithbipolardisorder